chalina’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me and i don’t know why i forget that. she makes me happy when i least expect it. i miss her so much and i hate that we’ve drifted apart. i’m so thankful for her.
ive been reading the newspaper, i stopped skipping class, ive woken up earlier, ive been doing good. im happy.
1. pit in my stomach
2. can’t have one week without fighting
3. ‘thanks for being a supportive boyfriend’
4. i need a tupac
And we’d fight on days when we shouldn’t. I guess it’s because I’m really hard-headed and getting my point across usually ends up bad. I guess I should’ve been more lenient and understanding, even for the one girl I love but it doesn’t work that way. Not for me at least, and it wasn’t because she wasn’t appreciative or she wasn’t cooperating, it was all me. And don’t get me wrong, she is very appreciative and very loving. But, I start fights and I don’t end them when I should. I let things drag on, I’m a very hard person to cope with when I’m mad, and she’s been the victim of my anger. And I hated putting her through stuff like that, and when we’d argue in my mind I’d think, “maybe we should just take a break,” or “maybe we shouldn’t be together” and these points were valid in a sense. If we weren’t in a relationship, I wouldn’t be yelling at her, she would get things done, I would have more free time, and things would go easier, but things would also be harder. And it was at that point I realized that a relationship isn’t supposed to be perfect, we’re supposed to have fights, we’re supposed to disagree and we’re supposed to get mad at each other. But the thing that shows our love is that we stick together, we don’t break our bond, that’s giving up, that’s an entirely different story. I need her more than anything, and too often I push her away, like instead if I had said something like, “bitch I don’t need you” I would regret it right away, I would feel my heart drop and I know hers would too. And I think that’s why she wanted to get off the phone, because we wouldn’t want to say words we don’t mean. I know I heard her say things she doesn’t mean, I didn’t commend her for it. There wouldn’t be a point in making a fight even bigger out of a sentence she didn’t mean. And for the night I didn’t have anyone to talk to, I was lonely and I hated it. I hate not hearing her voice.
So tired of this. Figuratively heartbreaking. Not for one second have I ever thought “it’s such a privilege for her,” I must be a fucking horrible person for someone to ever think of me so lowly. Not once has someone ever said, “You treat Brenda well” or “You’re a good boyfriend.” In fact, it’s always, “You better treat her right,” or “Don’t hurt her.”
I fucking cry at the thought that no one thinks I’m a good person, I don’t think I’m that bad of a person.
I guess I should address this, and I’m going to keep it short because I’ve written too many words for you and haven’t received one back.
You were there for me as a friend and I remember you like a “lost childhood friend” and frankly, I’ve forgotten most of you already. Every year I’d spend time looking for you, I’d waste my time and always come up with zero results. It was different this year, and I’m glad it was. I’m not hopelessly looking for love anymore, I’ve found it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate you, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need that hope anymore. You left me empty-handed. I hope you forget who we were, I hope this was all a long, terrible dream, I hope we never cross paths again.